"Good things don't end in 'eum,' they end in 'mania'...or 'teria'."

"Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover."

"If something is too hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV."

"I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here."

"Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix."

"Warning signs that lover is bored: 1. Passionless kisses 2. Frequent sighing 3. Moved, left no forwarding address."

"Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, You would never see a bad show."

"It makes a great difference in the force of a sentence, whether a man be behind it or no."

"I do not like this word 'bomb.' It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding."

"The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear. And the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown."

"Nobody picks on a strong man."

"He who is carried on another's back does not appreciate how far off the town is."