"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."

"This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two."

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible."

"I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the last one left."

"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there."

"It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth."

"Even though quality cannot be defined, you know what quality is."

"Dig the well before you are thirsty."

"In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they have obtained from books of travel."

"You know I say just what I think, and nothing more and less. I cannot say one thing and mean another."

"Women and cats do as they damned well please, and men and dogs had best learn to live with it."

"Play: Work that you enjoy doing for nothing."